1 00:00:06,667 --> 00:00:08,667 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:13,533 --> 00:00:16,100 Leon: somebody need To talk to the man, You know what I mean? 3 00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:19,400 I'm so happy you called me. He's just moping around? 4 00:00:19,433 --> 00:00:21,100 I mean, we all Are really worried About him, man. 5 00:00:21,133 --> 00:00:23,433 This cheryl thing's Got him crazy. 6 00:00:23,467 --> 00:00:25,533 This cheryl thing's Got him twisted, man, For real. 7 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,433 He's up there moping, man. Mopy dick, that's what he is. 8 00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:30,467 - moby dick. - no, mopy dick. 9 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:33,200 - no, it's called moby dick. - who's fucking moby dick? 10 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:35,333 "Moby dick" is the book By melville. 11 00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:37,133 - who's fucking moby dick? - where did you hear Moby dick from? 12 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,500 Mopy dick, man. His dick is moping. 13 00:00:38,533 --> 00:00:40,800 - oh, literally mopy dick? - yeah, mopy dick. 14 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,767 Okay, let's go up and Get his mopy-ass dick Out of bed. 15 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,767 - let's go. - I like the way You operate, man. 16 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,833 You know what I mean? You're straightforward. I like that shit. 17 00:00:48,867 --> 00:00:50,267 ( knocks on door ) 18 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,967 - what? - ( door opens ) 19 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,233 - jeff: gotta come in? - leon: coming in, man. 20 00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:58,400 - hey, what's going on? - I don't know. 21 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,100 I fucked up my life. 22 00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:03,867 - how did you fuck up your life? What did you do? - with cheryl. 23 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:05,867 - oh, cheryl. - oh, man, this Cheryl shit again. 24 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,133 Come on, man. 25 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:10,300 The stupid call From the plane-- I didn't-- 26 00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:11,900 You were busy With the tivo guy. 27 00:01:11,933 --> 00:01:15,100 Busy with the tivo guy. Yeah, I was busy with The tivo guy. 28 00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:17,167 Leon: Your brain is all fucking Discombobulated, man. 29 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,667 You need to focus On some ass. 30 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,700 I'm just never gonna meet Anybody like her again, 31 00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:22,367 Ever ever. 32 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,167 I'm not disputing that, But you've got to meet Somebody else. 33 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,900 - you've got to move on. - there's nobody that Compares to her. 34 00:01:27,933 --> 00:01:29,800 I can't even imagine Being with anybody else. 35 00:01:29,833 --> 00:01:32,133 Listen, man, you've got To get out there And do stuff. 36 00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:34,400 Get down there And get breakfast. What are you doing? 37 00:01:34,433 --> 00:01:36,900 Is she going To sammie's bat mitzvah? 38 00:01:36,933 --> 00:01:38,400 Yeah, she's coming To the bat mitzvah. 39 00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:40,433 She's bringing That guy too. 40 00:01:42,267 --> 00:01:45,367 What do you Want me to do? We didn't pick sides. 41 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,767 I can't believe I've got to see her With this guy 42 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,900 - at sammie's bat mitzvah. - well, who are you Gonna bring? 43 00:01:49,933 --> 00:01:51,733 - nobody. - both: you've got to Bring somebody. 44 00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:54,167 Bring somebody? Who am I gonna bring? 45 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,633 You're not gonna find her Here, lying like this. Come on. 46 00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,367 Yeah, you gotta Find somebody, man. 47 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,733 - I'm not a good dater. I can't date. - why can't you date? 48 00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:03,300 You're not comfortable In your larry shell Right now. 49 00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:05,567 You've got to become Another motherfucker Right now. 50 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,733 Larry, Grow a mustache, man. Grow a goatee, 51 00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:10,400 A mustache, Grow sideburns. Become Another motherfucker, man. 52 00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:12,800 - you feel me? - it's not bad advice. 53 00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,900 It's not bad advice. But anything to get Your ass out of bed. 54 00:02:15,933 --> 00:02:17,900 Get your ass out of-- Wh--? 55 00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:19,433 - what was that? - what are you doing? 56 00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:21,333 You've got bedbugs? What's going on? 57 00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,500 Oh, nothing. Just a little Uncomfortable. 58 00:02:23,533 --> 00:02:26,800 - listen, I did my part. Get your ass up. - okay, thanks. 59 00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:28,733 - I've got to go To work, all right? - thanks, yeah. 60 00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:30,933 - I'll see you later. - good work, man. 61 00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:34,133 Hey, I'll get him up. Hey, man, let's roll, l.D. 62 00:02:34,167 --> 00:02:37,567 Come on downstairs, man. The family wants to talk To you a little bit. 63 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,367 - all right, I'm turning over a new leaf. - yeah, come on downstairs. 64 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,500 - that's it. No more of this shit. - we want to talk to you. 65 00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,800 - okay, no more. - yeah, get out. Let's get Your shit together. 66 00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:46,800 - I'm getting it together. - yeah, think about that Beard shit. 67 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,267 - okay, all right. - think about that mustache. 68 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,533 ( chattering, laughing ) 69 00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:52,533 Look who I found. 70 00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:54,400 - hey. - hey, l.D.! 71 00:02:54,433 --> 00:02:56,133 - how are you doing? - auntie rae: yeah. 72 00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:58,567 - eh, I think okay. I think I'll be all right. - good. 73 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,067 - I'm fine. - good. 74 00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:01,733 You know what? My mind is made up. 75 00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:04,500 - I am forgetting about her As of now. - okay. 76 00:03:04,533 --> 00:03:06,867 - that's what I'm talking about. - as of now. 77 00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:09,533 - l.D., you're gonna Be fine, trust me. - leon: it's a new day. 78 00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:11,533 He'll be The last man standing. 79 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,100 So what's going on? What do you want to Talk to me about? 80 00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:15,467 Loretta, You want to...? 81 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,800 Um, our house Is ready 82 00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:20,700 And we're gonna Go home. 83 00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,533 Yeah yeah. The lady called today. 84 00:03:24,567 --> 00:03:26,467 - we're out for real. - auntie rae: we are. 85 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,500 - we're not kidding you. We're out. - no, for real. 86 00:03:28,533 --> 00:03:30,233 - he's speechless. I can't believe it. - well... 87 00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:32,533 - I am speechless. - ( all laughing ) 88 00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,433 - you too? - I'm out of here too. 89 00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:37,067 I've got a little Boo down there I'ma holla at. 90 00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:39,933 I know it looked like We weren't gonna ever Get out of here, though, 91 00:03:39,967 --> 00:03:42,167 - but... - well... 92 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,133 - you gotta go-- You gotta go. - yeah. 93 00:03:44,167 --> 00:03:45,600 - we're gonna Miss you, though. - we are. 94 00:03:45,633 --> 00:03:47,333 You can always Come visit now. 95 00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:49,800 - eh, let's not go crazy. - ( chattering, laughing ) 96 00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:51,933 - my gerbil's gone. - loretta: what? 97 00:03:51,967 --> 00:03:55,067 - my gerbil's gone. - auntie rae: what do you mean Your gerbil's gone? 98 00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:57,200 Well, come on. Let's go find it. 99 00:03:57,233 --> 00:03:59,167 - chill out. We're cool. - chill out? 100 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,400 There's a gerbil Running amok in my house. Come on, help me find it. 101 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,267 Antoinette: Okay, thank you. ( hangs up ) 102 00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:09,067 - hey, larry. - yeah. 103 00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:11,700 - the building manager Just called. - yeah? 104 00:04:11,733 --> 00:04:14,500 In the next few days Somebody's gonna come 105 00:04:14,533 --> 00:04:16,500 And look at that office Across from you. 106 00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:18,800 - are you kidding? - no. 107 00:04:18,833 --> 00:04:21,900 Oh, I dreaded this day. I don't want anybody 108 00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:23,500 Moving in Across the hall. 109 00:04:23,533 --> 00:04:25,733 You know, we have Privacy here. 110 00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:27,600 I know. Larry, there's nothing I can do. 111 00:04:27,633 --> 00:04:29,733 We're not gonna have Control of the thermostat. 112 00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:31,733 - that's right, It's in there. - yeah, it's in there. 113 00:04:31,767 --> 00:04:33,200 Why don't we Take that office then? 114 00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:35,667 I'm not gonna Pay for an office I'm not using. 115 00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:38,167 Well, Somebody's gonna take it If you don't take it. 116 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,600 How do you stop somebody From renting it? 117 00:04:40,633 --> 00:04:42,700 That's what I want to know. 118 00:04:42,733 --> 00:04:45,567 How are you? 119 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,100 - you know, I feel A little better today. - do you? 120 00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:49,900 - I've been pretty depressed. - you seem better. You look good. 121 00:04:49,933 --> 00:04:52,167 Yeah, I feel better. I'm feeling like I'm ready, 122 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,467 But I hate being single. I just hate it. 123 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,800 - I know, larry. I'm sorry. - I want to meet somebody. 124 00:04:56,833 --> 00:05:00,200 I swear to god, I can get married again In a month if I could. 125 00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:03,733 Oh, larry. Larry david, You are a romantic. 126 00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:05,667 Am I? Do you think I am? 127 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,900 Oh, I forgot. Matt tessler called And said, 128 00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:09,867 "Hey, I'm in the building. I thought I'd drop by." 129 00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:12,267 - he's in the building? - yeah. 130 00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:14,233 He said he knows you, "Seinfeld" days. 131 00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:16,533 Yeah, he directed Four "Seinfelds." 132 00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,433 He was terrible, though. He was a terrible director. 133 00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:20,267 - oh, I remember matt. - what does he want? 134 00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:23,567 Lewis is doing a pilot now, And I'll bet he wants me To recommend him. 135 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,600 - you know, He's got the son... - oh my gosh, that's right. 136 00:05:26,633 --> 00:05:28,500 ...Who's got The muscular issues. 137 00:05:28,533 --> 00:05:29,800 M.S. Or m.D. Or...? 138 00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:32,100 I don't know. There's something. 139 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:33,733 I could say That you had to leave, 140 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,733 - you had an important Meeting. - eh... 141 00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:39,233 - larry david. Larry david, how ya doing? - hey, matt tessler! 142 00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:41,900 - we were just Talking about you. - good to see you. 143 00:05:41,933 --> 00:05:44,767 Hey, matt, what's going on? Nice to see you. How are you? 144 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,800 - you're well? You look good. - yeah. 145 00:05:46,833 --> 00:05:49,133 - you look Pretty good yourself. - oh, thanks, thanks. 146 00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:51,400 - yeah, I'm doing okay, Doing okay. - look at this. 147 00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:53,200 - working my Ass off, yeah. - nice. 148 00:05:53,233 --> 00:05:55,200 I'm just, you know-- I'm kind of stuck 149 00:05:55,233 --> 00:05:57,767 - in a dramedy ghetto. - really? 150 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,533 Well, I did The cancer scare episode Of "Home improvement," 151 00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:04,333 - so I got typed as This guy who does ticker. - oh, jeez. 152 00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:06,333 Now they want me to do All the teardrop stuff. 153 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,733 I want to get back To the funny, To the shtoomy. 154 00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:11,667 - the shtoomy, yeah. - are you and richard lewis Still tight? 155 00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:15,333 - is there any way you can Just give him a--? - I'm really not... 156 00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:17,533 - you're not tight anymore? - not really tight. 157 00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:19,800 'cause they're Floating my name To direct his pilot 158 00:06:19,833 --> 00:06:21,400 And I just would love To be in on that. 159 00:06:21,433 --> 00:06:23,667 Well, if I run into him, I'll, you know-- 160 00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:26,400 Yeah, if I had A recommendation From you, though, 161 00:06:26,433 --> 00:06:28,400 That would mean That I'd have a shot At this. 162 00:06:28,433 --> 00:06:31,467 The sitcom-- you know, I'd come in at 9:00-10:00, 163 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,067 - I'd get a chance to see My son in the morning... - it's a great-- 164 00:06:34,067 --> 00:06:36,667 ...I'd get a chance To see him at night. So anything you could do 165 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:40,067 To recommend me to richard Would be just great. 166 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,267 Yeah, I'll-- I'll recommend you. 167 00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:45,200 - bless your heart. Bless your heart. - yeah. 168 00:06:45,233 --> 00:06:48,433 Hey, larry, do you still Have that tickle In your anus? 169 00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:50,633 I cannot get you An appointment For two weeks. 170 00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:53,067 What? 171 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,800 Are you experiencing Discomfort? 172 00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,467 Tickle in my-- What is she talking about? What are you talking about? 173 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,567 - where did you get that from? - that's nothing to Joke around about. 174 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,867 - who were you trying To get an appointment with? - rosenberg. 175 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:06,367 Rosenberg is a good man. I've got a better one. 176 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,767 ( clicks finger ) Pencil. 177 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,267 Call this man-- Dr. Jay whitney. 178 00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:13,667 My wife's cousin kai-- She runs the office. 179 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,167 - oh, she does? - she can open All the doors, 180 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,133 And not just the back one, You know what I mean? 181 00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,867 Seriously, she can Get you in today. 182 00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:21,500 - yeah. - you don't have to Think about it. 183 00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:23,933 It's nice of you, But there's really Nothing wrong. 184 00:07:23,967 --> 00:07:25,900 Why did you say I have a tickle In my anus? 185 00:07:25,933 --> 00:07:29,067 Are you fucking crazy, huh? A tickle in my anus? 186 00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:30,900 - she's just Looking out for you. - why did you say that? 187 00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:32,267 I don't have a tickle. Who said that? 188 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,067 Look, I gotta go. I gotta go. 189 00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:35,967 Look, I think I've given you The wrong impression. 190 00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:38,900 - larry's anus is fine. - shut the fuck up, okay? 191 00:07:38,933 --> 00:07:40,800 Shut the fuck up! Sorry. 192 00:07:40,833 --> 00:07:43,233 All I'm saying is, Don't take any chances Here, okay? 193 00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:45,200 - this is serious, All right? - yeah, no. 194 00:07:45,233 --> 00:07:46,967 - good, 'cause I Care about you-- - yeah, thanks. 195 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,867 - --not just 'cause-- - good to see you. 196 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,567 - and you. - I'm gonna call richie Right now. 197 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,300 - thanks, ant-- - antoinette. 198 00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:53,933 - yeah. - I'll take care Of that. 199 00:07:53,967 --> 00:07:56,733 - okay, thank you, larry. Thanks so much. - okay. 200 00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:02,800 Hi, it's richard. Leave a message. 201 00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:04,867 - ( machine beeps ) - hey, richard, it's larry. 202 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,867 Matt tessler Just asked me 203 00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,767 To recommend him For your pilot... 204 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,167 ( slowly ) ...So this is me calling 205 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,433 To recommend-- 206 00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:15,500 "Recommend" him. 207 00:08:15,533 --> 00:08:18,333 So in case He ever asks you 208 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:21,633 If I recommended him, You can tell him 209 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,967 That in fact I did 210 00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:27,067 Recommend him. 211 00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:28,933 All right, I'll talk to you later. 212 00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:34,233 - hi. - hi. 213 00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:36,533 Just sign in, please, And have a seat. 214 00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:38,200 Shouldn't be too long. 215 00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:40,667 I have a little problem With this-- 216 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:44,333 ( chuckles ) These sign-in sheets, You know. 217 00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:46,867 My name's right Out in the open here. 218 00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:50,067 It's a bit Of a privacy issue. 219 00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,767 There's no shame In having to come 220 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,600 To the gastroenterologist's Office. 221 00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:56,500 It's a little embarrassing Maybe, you know. 222 00:08:56,533 --> 00:08:58,733 We could just put A sign up on the wall Saying, 223 00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:01,867 "Larry david was here." Why don't we do that? 224 00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:03,533 You know, I have to tell you 225 00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:04,967 I've worked here For four years 226 00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,700 And I've never had Anyone come in 227 00:09:06,733 --> 00:09:09,267 And, like, cruise the list Of patient names 228 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:10,900 For any reason. 229 00:09:10,933 --> 00:09:14,233 What if you are In charge of this, okay, 230 00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:15,967 So this is down here? You keep that. 231 00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,633 I don't like that. First of all, 232 00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:19,400 I only get paid $9 an hour, 233 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,633 So it's a little More responsibility Than I'm used to, 234 00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:23,100 To keep track Of patients. 235 00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:25,300 Second of all, I can't even make Decisions. 236 00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:26,900 You have to take it up With the home office. 237 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,133 I would like To take it up With the home office. 238 00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:32,100 - see, you didn't think I was Gonna take you up on that. - no, I did think you were. 239 00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:35,100 - you strike me as a high-- - well, things like this Interest me. 240 00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,533 I'm not an inventor, But I'm an improver. 241 00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:40,467 I improve things That are broken. 242 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,133 This is broken. This system is broken. 243 00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,800 I'd like to improve it. 244 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,500 Great. I'm assuming you're A new patient, 245 00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:48,233 'cause I think I would Have remembered you. 246 00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:50,500 - so please Fill that out. - okay. 247 00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:57,067 ( chuckles ) What would you do If I sat there, huh? 248 00:09:57,067 --> 00:10:00,067 You'd be a little Freaked out if I sat there, Wouldn't you, honestly? 249 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:03,067 - a little bit. A little bit. - I think a lot. 250 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,100 Yeah, that's A little creepy. ( chuckles ) 251 00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:06,333 What are you reading? 252 00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:08,667 It is called "Showbiz insider." 253 00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:11,367 - really? - I like to feel Like an insider when-- 254 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,567 - pretty heady stuff. Wow. - yes, very heady stuff. 255 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,733 Many are called. Few are chosen. 256 00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:19,167 You must be Very very bright. 257 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,333 Yes. 258 00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:23,533 Where are you from, New york? 259 00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:25,533 - I'm picking up An accent. - yeah. 260 00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:27,767 Yeah. You from new york? 261 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,200 Yeah. 262 00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:33,000 But I'm not a jew, If that's what You're thinking. 263 00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:36,567 - ( laughs ) - 'cause I saw Your wheels spinning. 264 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,367 That's uncanny. It's like there's A window into my soul 265 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,933 And you can just Really read me. 266 00:10:41,967 --> 00:10:43,733 I read you Loud and clear, sister. 267 00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:46,233 - yes. - yeah. 268 00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:47,900 Are you okay, by the way? Do you have any-- 269 00:10:47,933 --> 00:10:50,733 You have some Terrible medical problem That brought you here? 270 00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:53,167 I'm fine. A checkup. 271 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,100 - a checkup? - mmm. 272 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,533 Hmm, really? 273 00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,300 You? 274 00:11:00,333 --> 00:11:01,933 - a checkup. - really? 275 00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:04,200 - yeah. - huh. 276 00:11:04,233 --> 00:11:06,633 - how about that? - let me ask you A question: 277 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,567 Did you ever go out With a bald guy? 278 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,800 ( laughs ) Yeah. 279 00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:12,300 How did you find it? 280 00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:13,967 It was magical. 281 00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:16,067 - yeah? See? - yes. 282 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:19,233 How am I doing On the flirt so far? 283 00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:21,233 - how would you Assess it? - um... 284 00:11:21,267 --> 00:11:23,767 - pretty good? - I'm-- well, 7.5. 285 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,600 - 7.5? Really? - 7.5, yeah. 286 00:11:25,633 --> 00:11:28,100 - you're tough. - larry david? 287 00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:29,500 - you're up. - all right. 288 00:11:29,533 --> 00:11:31,733 Well, they have Called for me. 289 00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,200 Larry? 290 00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:36,400 I guess I'll go in For my checkup. 291 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,067 - a checkup. - nice talking to you. 292 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,633 Good luck. 293 00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,833 So long. 294 00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:49,067 Hello, mr. David. How are you? 295 00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,267 - good. - good. All right. 296 00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:53,867 Oh, you know my cousin, Matt tessler. 297 00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:55,400 Oh, matt's your cousin? Oh, yeah. 298 00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:57,333 Oh, right. Oh, thank you for this... 299 00:11:57,367 --> 00:11:58,900 Yeah, sure sure sure. 300 00:11:58,933 --> 00:12:01,067 So let me ask you, Mr. David, 301 00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:02,900 Why are you here To see the doctor? 302 00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:05,533 Um... 303 00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:07,933 I'd just as soon Tell the doctor. 304 00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:10,467 It's okay. I've got to take all Of the information first 305 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:13,133 And I give it to the doctor. So why don't you tell me The reason you're here? 306 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,100 I know, But if the doctor's Gonna come in here, 307 00:12:15,133 --> 00:12:17,200 Why not just Tell the doctor? I don't see why 308 00:12:17,233 --> 00:12:19,600 I need to tell you and-- Then you have to tell The doctor. 309 00:12:19,633 --> 00:12:22,100 - well... - why not just Tell him directly? 310 00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:24,167 I'm going to new york. Why am I stopping off In florida? 311 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,933 Mm-hmm. Our policy is That I take the information Down first 312 00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:29,367 And I give it to him. He'll come in and Go over this. 313 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,167 So he'll have it all Written down. 314 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,900 He won't have to go through All of the questions again. 315 00:12:32,933 --> 00:12:35,133 - this whole thing is askew, Your system. - mm-hmm. 316 00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,533 The doctor should Be in here right now. We could be saving time. 317 00:12:37,567 --> 00:12:39,267 He's got other patients That he's dealing with, 318 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,200 So what I'm here-- I pretty much cut the time In half with him. 319 00:12:42,233 --> 00:12:44,567 Cut the time in half? So you intercept him In the hall? 320 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,400 He's gonna Get the information And then what, 321 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,500 Run to the internet To look it up? No. 322 00:12:48,533 --> 00:12:51,400 - he's gonna hear it from you. - the doctors and the nurses Work hand in hand. 323 00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:53,667 I just need the information. If you could just Give it to me-- 324 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:55,933 I'm not that comfortable Telling you, frankly. 325 00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:57,733 I need to take it down Before I can leave. 326 00:12:57,767 --> 00:13:01,433 Okay, I have a gerbil Up my ass. 327 00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:04,467 That's my problem. 328 00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:09,700 How long Has it been there? 329 00:13:09,733 --> 00:13:12,833 Two days. 330 00:13:14,633 --> 00:13:16,700 Okay, thank you. The doctor will be Right with you. 331 00:13:16,733 --> 00:13:18,767 Fine. Happy? 332 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,600 - man: mr. David. - hello, doctor. 333 00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:25,600 - larry, nice to see you. - okay. 334 00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:27,600 I was wondering If you could tell me 335 00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:30,167 What seems to be The problem. 336 00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:46,467 Hey, what happened-- 337 00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:48,400 What happened To the sign-in sheet? 338 00:13:48,433 --> 00:13:50,733 Oh, I called our Corporate headquarters 339 00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:52,567 Off your suggestion And they loved it. 340 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,133 - so there's a new policy. - what? 341 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,100 It's private, Just like you wanted. 342 00:13:57,133 --> 00:13:59,200 No no no, I don't want that. 343 00:13:59,233 --> 00:14:02,700 You're listening to me? I don't know what I'm Talking about. 344 00:14:02,733 --> 00:14:04,733 Put the sign-in sheet Back on. 345 00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:06,933 - I can't. No. - what? 346 00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:08,500 You can't see this now. 347 00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:13,533 First of all, I've got To tell you something, 348 00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:15,533 - okay? - yes. 349 00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:17,533 I want to apologize 350 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:19,767 For the way I behaved earlier. 351 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,767 Mr. David, 352 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,167 You don't have to Play games with me. 353 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,733 - I don't? - no. 354 00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:28,500 Are you looking For christopher? 355 00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:30,200 No. 356 00:14:30,233 --> 00:14:32,767 - andrew? - keep going. 357 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,933 Paula? 358 00:14:33,967 --> 00:14:35,633 Aha. 359 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:38,267 - you cannot tell. I could get fired. - no no no, never. 360 00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:40,767 - no no no no. - I have no formal Education. 361 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,867 - no no no no no. - okay. 362 00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,367 Be careful. 363 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,467 - thank you. - she looks like A live wire. 364 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,767 - jeff: you called her? - larry: yeah. 365 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,233 So where are you going To take her on a date? 366 00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:55,767 I'm gonna take her To the movies maybe. 367 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,767 That's great. 368 00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,733 The question is, Why was she at that-- 369 00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:01,833 What kind of doctor Was that again? 370 00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:03,967 - mm, gastroenterologist. - so what was she Doing there? 371 00:15:04,067 --> 00:15:05,433 - that's the question. - oh my god. 372 00:15:05,467 --> 00:15:07,067 Why was she there? I don't know. 373 00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:09,067 I hope she doesn't have The same thing I do. 374 00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:11,100 Well, that's a good thing. It'll go away. 375 00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:12,667 Yeah. 376 00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:14,200 Let me ask you A question: 377 00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:16,767 How much will you give me To start gargling now? 378 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,933 - 50 bucks. - you'll give me 50 bucks? 379 00:15:18,967 --> 00:15:20,600 - 50 bucks. - take it out Of your pocket. 380 00:15:20,633 --> 00:15:22,700 Mm-hmm. Mmm. 381 00:15:22,733 --> 00:15:25,067 Just do it. What, you don't trust me? 382 00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:27,300 ( gargles ) 383 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:30,200 ( laughs ) There you go. 384 00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,800 - I just got 50 bucks. - no, now that doesn't count. 385 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,833 - no, you can't do that. - no, what are you Talking about? 386 00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:38,300 I would have Paid that happily. It was so enjoyable. 387 00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:42,067 It was so enjoyable And you ruined it with "I just got 50 bucks." 388 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,700 Let me ask you a question: Tessler's still one Of your clients? 389 00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:47,067 Yeah. He's coming To the bat mitzvah. 390 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:48,867 You know Who else is coming To the bat mitzvah? 391 00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,500 My newest client John legend. 392 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:53,300 He's a huge randb singer. 393 00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:54,833 I have no idea Who this guy is. 394 00:15:54,867 --> 00:15:56,833 - do you know Who anyone is? - no. 395 00:15:56,867 --> 00:16:00,367 - when was the last time You bought an album? - 1972? 396 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,933 - '72? So you know no one. - no, I know nothing. 397 00:16:02,967 --> 00:16:05,333 Anyhow, He's my client now. He's coming 398 00:16:05,367 --> 00:16:07,733 To the bat mitzvah. He's gonna sing. 399 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,067 Well, maybe I'll bring This woman. 400 00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:12,733 You know, if we Get along tonight, I'm gonna ask her. 401 00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:15,133 'cause you gotta bring Somebody. Cheryl's coming With that guy. 402 00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:16,967 - you gotta be there With somebody. - absolutely. 403 00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,967 Why don't we Double-date tonight? 404 00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:21,167 You know what? Susie and I were talking About going to the movies. 405 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,433 You're kidding. Let's do it. 406 00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:23,833 Perfect. I can check her out. 407 00:16:28,867 --> 00:16:30,867 Larry: I haven't dated in a while. Who pays? 408 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:33,667 - you pay. - don't be ridiculous. You pay. 409 00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,467 - I do? - women: yes, you pay. 410 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,767 - larry's not used to dating. - clearly, yes. 411 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,233 - no, I haven't dated In a long time. - no, a long time. 412 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:43,833 What do I do? Am I allowed to hold hands During the mo--? 413 00:16:43,867 --> 00:16:46,167 - susie: I don't know If there's rules-- - is there a rule? 414 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,867 Excuse me. 415 00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:51,867 Thank you. 416 00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:54,067 Hi. 417 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:58,300 One movie. 418 00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,433 Thank you. 419 00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:07,233 - larry: don't you want To sit on the aisle? - women: no. 420 00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:09,567 - I was being nice. - women: center's better. 421 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,933 Center? Why? You think there's A big difference 422 00:17:11,967 --> 00:17:13,600 - over there from here? - yes, this is good. 423 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,733 Jeff: As long as a giant man Doesn't sit 424 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:17,967 - in front of me. - susie: or a giant woman. 425 00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,833 - larry: oh my god. - paula: what? 426 00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:22,833 This guy. That's the guy 427 00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:25,167 Who walked past the line To get his ticket before. 428 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,067 - paula: oh, yeah. - pete! 429 00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:28,533 - look at him. - I think it is. 430 00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:30,667 Oh my god. He was faking. 431 00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,167 - are you kidding me? - no. 432 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,133 That's really good. 433 00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:36,067 - oh my god. - holy shit. 434 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,933 I gotta Take my hat off to him. 435 00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:40,433 I gotta tell ya, That's pretty good. 436 00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:42,667 ( dramatic music playing ) 437 00:18:01,733 --> 00:18:02,900 Are you okay? 438 00:18:02,933 --> 00:18:04,800 Yeah, I'm fine. 439 00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,733 ( whispering ) Why? Why are you Asking me that? 440 00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:08,800 ( whispering ) No reason. 441 00:18:14,533 --> 00:18:16,500 Everything okay With you? 442 00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:18,500 Yeah, I'm fine. 443 00:18:18,533 --> 00:18:19,700 Are you sure? 444 00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:21,933 Yeah. Why shouldn't it be? 445 00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,933 It's just you're Squirming a lot. 446 00:18:23,967 --> 00:18:25,333 You're squirming More than I am. 447 00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:26,700 Well, my seat Is uncomfortable. 448 00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:28,400 Yeah, my seat's Uncomfortable too. 449 00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,833 I know. We're in agreement. 450 00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:32,767 Why did you say You went 451 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,567 To that Gastroenterologist's Again? 452 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,400 - I was there For a checkup. - a checkup? 453 00:18:36,433 --> 00:18:38,567 - yes. Why do you Keep asking me that? - I've never heard 454 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,067 Of anybody going to A gastroenterologist For a checkup. 455 00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:43,067 - oh, really? - yeah. 456 00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:45,067 That's what you were Doing there. 457 00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:47,367 - is that what I said? - yes, that's what You said. 458 00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:53,567 Honestly, I'm just Really kind of bored With this movie. 459 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,700 It's not so bad. 460 00:18:56,733 --> 00:18:59,467 I really want to go. Can we go? 461 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,267 Please. 462 00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:03,267 Are you gonna Drag me out of this movie 463 00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,067 With five minutes to go? That's insane. 464 00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:08,467 It's not five minutes. This is the world's Worst film 465 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,600 I've ever seen And I really want to go. 466 00:19:10,633 --> 00:19:12,433 Come on, Five more minutes. 467 00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:15,600 What do you gain by staying? You don't care about This story. 468 00:19:15,633 --> 00:19:17,133 I finish Things I start. 469 00:19:17,167 --> 00:19:18,700 Books-- They could be 500 pages, 470 00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:20,767 Once I start them, Even if I hate it, I'll finish it. 471 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,767 I have friends Who I can't stand, 472 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,733 You know, For, like, 25 years. 473 00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:27,733 I'm still friends With them. 474 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,533 Why? 475 00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:32,100 Because I Stay to the end, Till they're dead. 476 00:19:32,133 --> 00:19:34,400 I go down With the ship. That's what I do. 477 00:19:34,433 --> 00:19:36,367 I'm not even the captain, I'm going down With the ship. 478 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,233 That's how I want you To think about me: 479 00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:40,267 I'm the guy who keeps The captain company. 480 00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:45,600 I can't watch this. 481 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:50,567 Excuse me. I'm sorry. 482 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,633 - where is she going? - I don't-- 483 00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:57,067 - she was bored. - it's almost over. 484 00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,533 I know. I told her. 485 00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:00,200 It's five minutes to go. It's crazy. 486 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,900 You'd better Go out after her. 487 00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:04,033 - she's not gonna Wait for you. - you don't expect 488 00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:06,333 Somebody else to leave If you're walking out Of the movie. 489 00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:09,467 - you don't understand women. - you don't understand Etiquette. 490 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,533 Susie: fine. 491 00:20:26,533 --> 00:20:29,133 - where is she? - she's not here. 492 00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:31,267 - are you surprised? - can you believe it? 493 00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,533 - yeah, that's rude. - I told you she was Gonna leave. 494 00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:35,567 - that was completely Rude, unbelievable. - by the way, 495 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,600 I timed it. There were six minutes Left in that movie. 496 00:20:37,633 --> 00:20:40,267 Irrelevant, larry. She was not gonna Wait for you. 497 00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,700 I invested An hour and a half. I'm supposed to leave 498 00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:44,967 - with six minutes to go? - the last six minutes. That's craziness. 499 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,333 So, fine. You were right And now you're alone. 500 00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:50,933 Yeah, well, She has a tickle In her anus anyway. 501 00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:53,933 - she has a tickle in her anus? - I think so. She was Squirming in her seat. 502 00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:55,300 I don't wanna hear it. Let's go. 503 00:20:55,333 --> 00:20:57,133 You know what? That movie stunk, By the way. 504 00:20:57,167 --> 00:21:00,633 No, it was great. You're crazy. 505 00:21:00,667 --> 00:21:02,200 So you're not gonna go To the bat mitzvah? 506 00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:04,100 Eh, I don't want To go by myself. 507 00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:06,100 And cheryl's Gonna be there With this guy. 508 00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,933 So we'll get you A date-- 509 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:11,067 My next-door neighbor. She's a belly dancer. 510 00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:12,767 She also was In cirque du soleil. 511 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,600 Yeah, that's the one With the nose rings, Right? 512 00:21:14,633 --> 00:21:17,200 - she can take 'em out. - then there's a hole In the nose. 513 00:21:17,233 --> 00:21:18,967 We'll just cover it With makeup. 514 00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:22,067 Blech! 515 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:23,700 Do you want any coffee? I'm gonna go get coffee. 516 00:21:23,733 --> 00:21:25,767 No, I don't want Anything. 517 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,100 Woman: this way. This is The one I was telling you That I think is just perfect. 518 00:21:29,133 --> 00:21:31,333 - man: this is great. - yeah, available the first Of the month. 519 00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:33,200 All we need is Your signature On the paperwork. 520 00:21:33,233 --> 00:21:35,733 - that's great. Two months upfront? - upfront. 521 00:21:35,767 --> 00:21:38,133 - two parking spaces. It's all yours. - how do you heat it? 522 00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:40,433 Oh, you've got Your own thermostat Right there, see? 523 00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:43,400 I've got to take this. Will you excuse me For one second? 524 00:21:43,433 --> 00:21:46,367 - I'll be right back. - sure. Yeah, okay, good. 525 00:21:47,333 --> 00:21:48,767 Hi, I'm just-- 526 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,933 Hello! 527 00:21:50,967 --> 00:21:53,667 - how are you? - I'm-- I'm good. 528 00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:56,333 - are you Renting the office... - ( stammering ) 529 00:21:56,367 --> 00:21:58,500 - ...Next door? - you know, I'm thinking About it. 530 00:21:58,533 --> 00:22:02,567 That's very good. We'll be friends. 531 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,967 Well, you know, I'm looking at Several places. 532 00:22:06,067 --> 00:22:08,200 - I should probably catch up-- - we'll go to lunch together. 533 00:22:08,233 --> 00:22:10,167 - yeah. - every day, every day. 534 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,700 - every day. - every day, lunch. 535 00:22:12,733 --> 00:22:14,933 Uh, listen, You're probably busy. 536 00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:16,600 No, I'm not. I have nothing To do here. 537 00:22:16,633 --> 00:22:18,833 I've got to find The office manager. Thank you. 538 00:22:18,867 --> 00:22:20,767 Goodbye. Bye. 539 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,933 I hope you rent The office. 540 00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:25,400 Larry, wh--? 541 00:22:25,433 --> 00:22:27,533 - oh, hey. - am I interrupting Something? 542 00:22:27,567 --> 00:22:29,067 No. 543 00:22:29,067 --> 00:22:31,067 I just came by To say thanks 544 00:22:31,067 --> 00:22:32,967 For the recommendation. I got the gig. 545 00:22:33,067 --> 00:22:34,667 - you got the job? - yeah. 546 00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:37,133 What's this about? Is this supposed To be funny? 547 00:22:37,167 --> 00:22:38,500 No no no. 548 00:22:38,533 --> 00:22:40,933 Someone was gonna Rent the office Next door... 549 00:22:40,967 --> 00:22:43,533 This is how you welcome him? You use some humor? 550 00:22:43,567 --> 00:22:46,333 No no no, It was a test to see If he's a tolerant person. 551 00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:48,400 And anyone who's not Is no neighbor of mine. 552 00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:50,300 I know somebody Who wouldn't find this Funny at all. 553 00:22:50,333 --> 00:22:53,200 He's a 10-year-old boy Named max and he lives In my house-- 554 00:22:53,233 --> 00:22:55,400 - who's not gonna think That's so funny. - oh, jeez. 555 00:22:55,433 --> 00:22:57,400 This is what you do? You sit on your ass 556 00:22:57,433 --> 00:22:59,433 - making fun Of retarded people? - oh, come on. 557 00:22:59,467 --> 00:23:01,333 - un-fucking-believable. - I was just, you know-- 558 00:23:01,367 --> 00:23:02,833 I'm really Disappointed in you. 559 00:23:02,867 --> 00:23:05,067 I would rent an office To your son. 560 00:23:05,067 --> 00:23:07,467 My son has an office On the right hand Of jesus. 561 00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:10,067 Hey, you know What's really funny? 562 00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:13,267 A successful Writer-producer who puts Gerbils up his ass for fun. 563 00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:16,367 - what? What? - I talked to kai. I talked to my cousin. 564 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,600 - that's why you had To see the doctor. - oh, that's bullshit. 565 00:23:18,633 --> 00:23:20,633 - 'cause you have Gerbils in your ass. - I made that up, you moron. 566 00:23:20,667 --> 00:23:22,733 - why would you make Something like that up? - because I didn't feel 567 00:23:22,767 --> 00:23:25,067 - like telling her What was wrong with me. - that doesn't make any sense. 568 00:23:25,067 --> 00:23:28,300 And you know what? I think a lot of people Would get a kick out of this. 569 00:23:28,333 --> 00:23:30,333 I really do. Fuck you, larry. 570 00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,133 Let's just try it out On the street. 571 00:23:32,167 --> 00:23:34,600 - hey, no, I made that up. - hey, wanna hear Something funny? 572 00:23:34,633 --> 00:23:36,267 Hey, you wanna hear Something funny? 573 00:23:42,167 --> 00:23:44,933 So sorry. Do we still have time To do it? 574 00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:46,800 - I'm sorry. - no. I'm late now. 575 00:23:46,833 --> 00:23:48,700 - it's too late for lunch? - it's too late for lunch 576 00:23:48,733 --> 00:23:50,267 And it's too late For my career 577 00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:51,967 And you fucked me With tessler. 578 00:23:52,067 --> 00:23:54,400 - he's not working out? - he sucks! 579 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,600 - he doesn't know comedy. - I know that, I know. 580 00:23:56,633 --> 00:23:58,733 He should be Selling fabrics. 581 00:23:58,767 --> 00:24:00,667 Why'd you hire him? 582 00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:02,633 How d--? You-- 583 00:24:02,667 --> 00:24:04,700 My friend of 47 years-- You recommended him. 584 00:24:04,733 --> 00:24:07,133 Oh, I recommended him? When I called you 585 00:24:07,167 --> 00:24:09,233 I told you That he asked me To recommend him... 586 00:24:09,267 --> 00:24:12,300 - what--? - ...So I'm "Recommending" him. I put quotes around it. 587 00:24:12,333 --> 00:24:14,367 Why'd you "Recommend" him, Mr. Quotehead? 588 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,367 I thought that you Would pick up that it was A non-recommend recommend. 589 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,067 You know, life is Very brief, okay? 590 00:24:20,100 --> 00:24:22,067 And you know I need A good series. 591 00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:25,300 - is life too short? You think it's too short? - yeah. 592 00:24:25,333 --> 00:24:28,367 - it's too short, isn't it? - yeah, but now my life is Fucking way short. 593 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,233 - I'm sorry. - you ruined my Fucking pilot 594 00:24:30,267 --> 00:24:31,600 Because of your Recommendation. 595 00:24:31,633 --> 00:24:34,100 I can see if it came From a skinhead... 596 00:24:34,133 --> 00:24:36,100 - yeah. - ...Or one of Ben laden's people. 597 00:24:36,133 --> 00:24:38,067 You call him Ben laden or bin laden? 598 00:24:38,067 --> 00:24:39,733 I don't know. 599 00:24:39,767 --> 00:24:41,867 You called him ben. That's almost like A jewish name. 600 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:43,733 That's true. Ben laden does sound 601 00:24:43,767 --> 00:24:45,633 - like a shirt-maker In manhattan. - yes, I know. 602 00:24:45,667 --> 00:24:47,667 "Let's go to ben laden's. They got great collars." 603 00:24:47,700 --> 00:24:49,700 Exactly, yeah. Anyway, I'm-- 604 00:24:49,733 --> 00:24:51,667 - no-- - I'm sorry. 605 00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:53,900 Yeah, fine, fi-- 606 00:24:55,067 --> 00:24:56,867 It's true, isn't it? 607 00:24:56,900 --> 00:24:59,900 - holy shit. - what are you Talking about? 608 00:25:00,067 --> 00:25:01,767 Did you stick a gerbil Up your ass? 609 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,167 - 'cause the whole Fucking town-- - are you out of your mind? 610 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,167 It's all over the set. It's everywhere. 611 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,167 - and I said--- - jesus, 612 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,833 This tessler is spreading This rumor about me 613 00:25:10,867 --> 00:25:12,500 To get back at me. 614 00:25:12,533 --> 00:25:14,167 It's all over The fucking city now. 615 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,067 It's gonna be On the internet too. 616 00:25:16,067 --> 00:25:18,067 It's everywhere. It's everywhere. 617 00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:21,533 Jesus christ, Did you see the way That guy looked at me? 618 00:25:21,567 --> 00:25:23,567 I'm sure he probably Read "Gerbil" magazine 619 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,767 And you're Fucking on the cover. 620 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,933 Holy shit. 621 00:25:27,967 --> 00:25:31,867 You know, I do have A tickle in my anus. 622 00:25:31,900 --> 00:25:33,867 Oh, really? 623 00:25:33,900 --> 00:25:36,200 - yeah. - I gotta split. 624 00:25:40,067 --> 00:25:42,100 Hi, carol. 625 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,167 Carol, 626 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,100 It's not true. 627 00:25:47,133 --> 00:25:50,600 - ( family chattering ) - leon: ...Some crazy shit. 628 00:25:50,633 --> 00:25:52,600 - it's missing. And you hear this shit. - leon! 629 00:25:52,633 --> 00:25:55,067 Leon, I don't really think He would do something Like that. 630 00:25:55,067 --> 00:25:56,700 - I don't think-- - you don't know, loretta. 631 00:25:56,733 --> 00:25:59,067 Think about it. Look, the gerbil's Missing, right? 632 00:25:59,067 --> 00:26:01,200 And then you hear This shit's going on. Come on now. 633 00:26:01,233 --> 00:26:03,367 - ( women exclaiming ) - add this shit up. Add this shit up. 634 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:05,900 Here he comes now. What's going on, larry? What's going on, larry? 635 00:26:05,933 --> 00:26:08,333 The gerbil got On the elevator, hit "Up" 636 00:26:08,367 --> 00:26:11,300 - and went up your asshole? Is that what happened? - loretta: leon! 637 00:26:11,333 --> 00:26:14,667 I can't believe That this thing has already Gotten to this house, 638 00:26:14,700 --> 00:26:16,967 - that you would Accuse me of that. - larry, where's the gerbil? 639 00:26:17,067 --> 00:26:19,367 - I got your back, l.D. I don't think you did it. - thank you. 640 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,067 I didn't even want That thing in the house, 641 00:26:21,067 --> 00:26:23,300 - much less put it Upy ass, okay? - let him out, larry. 642 00:26:23,333 --> 00:26:26,400 So, wait a minute. Are you saying you didn't Do that? 643 00:26:26,433 --> 00:26:28,767 Absolutely. Of course not. Come on, that's insane. 644 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,833 - ( sighs ) - that's what I thought. 645 00:26:30,867 --> 00:26:32,667 I'm still sick About the fact That that thing is 646 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,400 Running around The house somewhere. 647 00:26:34,433 --> 00:26:36,833 - leon: yeah, all right. Whatever, man. - we're done packing. 648 00:26:36,867 --> 00:26:38,667 - loretta: all right. - all right, sweetness. 649 00:26:38,700 --> 00:26:41,700 - hey, y'all got Everything together? - yeah, we're done. 650 00:26:41,733 --> 00:26:44,500 - all right, that's good. - leon: you ready to roll? 651 00:26:44,533 --> 00:26:47,633 Wow, this is really Happening, isn't it? 652 00:26:47,667 --> 00:26:49,733 - oh yeah, we're about Ready to bounce. - yeah. 653 00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:51,533 - when are you going? - tomorrow. 654 00:26:51,567 --> 00:26:53,700 - tomorrow? - mm-hmm. 655 00:26:53,733 --> 00:26:56,700 ( auntie rae chuckling ) Can you believe it? 656 00:26:56,733 --> 00:26:59,333 - leon: we're out Of here, man. - oh my god. 657 00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:03,067 - wow. - leon: it crept up On you, right? 658 00:27:03,067 --> 00:27:05,067 You're gonna Miss us, larry. 659 00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:06,733 Auntie rae: We're gonna Miss you too, larry. 660 00:27:06,767 --> 00:27:08,667 All right, don't get my Waterworks going here. 661 00:27:08,700 --> 00:27:10,867 - you know How emotional I am. - all right, okay. 662 00:27:10,900 --> 00:27:13,067 Leon: We're gonna miss you, larry. That's deep. 663 00:27:13,067 --> 00:27:16,567 Yeah. All right, I've got to get ready For a bat mitzvah. 664 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,067 - what's that? - it's a jewish ceremony, You know. 665 00:27:19,100 --> 00:27:20,600 - oh. - it's a big party. 666 00:27:20,633 --> 00:27:22,733 You don't wanna Go with me, do you? 667 00:27:22,767 --> 00:27:25,867 - you want me to go? - yeah, come on. 668 00:27:25,900 --> 00:27:28,200 Sure, I'll go With you, l.D. 669 00:27:28,233 --> 00:27:29,933 - beautiful. - yeah. 670 00:27:29,967 --> 00:27:31,900 - a bat mitzvah. - yeah. 671 00:27:31,933 --> 00:27:35,300 - ( all chattering ) - my little girl Is so perfect. 672 00:27:49,067 --> 00:27:51,667 - thank you. How are you doing? - naches to you. 673 00:27:51,700 --> 00:27:54,067 You saw The early rehearsals. When you left 674 00:27:54,067 --> 00:27:56,467 They had a run-through. The network stormed out. 675 00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:59,867 How in the fuck Could my best friend Recommend such an asshole? 676 00:27:59,900 --> 00:28:02,800 - why didn't you say You didn't like him? - any normal person 677 00:28:02,833 --> 00:28:04,633 Would have picked up On what I was Trying to say. 678 00:28:04,667 --> 00:28:06,667 Now I'm abnormal. Oh, now I'm not normal. 679 00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,667 Yeah, you are abnormal. 680 00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:10,967 You're the most abnormal, Jerky nutcase 681 00:28:11,067 --> 00:28:12,833 I've ever met In my entire-- 682 00:28:12,867 --> 00:28:15,433 - oh, you think you're More normal than me? - fuckin'-a I am. 683 00:28:15,467 --> 00:28:17,467 I'll have A mental patient face-off With you any day. 684 00:28:17,500 --> 00:28:21,067 - oh, really? - hey, larr, did you stick A gerbil up your ass? 685 00:28:21,067 --> 00:28:23,200 - who told you that? - I'm not gonna tell you Who told me. 686 00:28:23,233 --> 00:28:25,567 - it's not important. - of course I didn't stick A gerbil up my ass! 687 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:27,900 - don't get so upset. - I'm upset! 688 00:28:27,933 --> 00:28:29,667 - he's telling everyone. - yeah, he sure is. 689 00:28:29,700 --> 00:28:31,833 - woman: oh my god. - ( laughing ) 690 00:28:34,967 --> 00:28:37,933 ( glass dinging ) 691 00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:40,567 On behalf of my Wonderful wife susie 692 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,067 And myself I want to welcome you. 693 00:28:43,100 --> 00:28:45,167 Thank you all so much For coming. 694 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,700 It means a lot to us, 695 00:28:47,733 --> 00:28:50,067 A lot to sammie, 696 00:28:50,100 --> 00:28:54,067 I can tell you that. We're very proud of her. 697 00:28:54,067 --> 00:28:56,067 I don't want To embarrass her, 698 00:28:56,067 --> 00:28:58,067 So I'm gonna Keep this short And just say 699 00:28:58,067 --> 00:29:00,100 Thank you From the bottom Of our hearts. 700 00:29:00,133 --> 00:29:02,600 What we're gonna Do right now is Open it up 701 00:29:02,633 --> 00:29:04,933 To anybody who'd like To say something, 702 00:29:04,967 --> 00:29:07,867 Make a toast, whatever. Come on up. 703 00:29:07,900 --> 00:29:10,300 - yeah, I'm gonna-- - both: larry. 704 00:29:10,333 --> 00:29:13,567 - I'd like to say something. - all right. 705 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:17,333 Hey. Um... 706 00:29:17,367 --> 00:29:21,200 Well, first of all, I'm so thrilled 707 00:29:21,233 --> 00:29:23,667 To be here at sammie's Bat mitzvah tonight. 708 00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:26,067 - thank you, larry. - this is a fantastic Occasion. 709 00:29:26,067 --> 00:29:28,233 You know, I've known sammie 710 00:29:28,267 --> 00:29:30,733 Since she was born, Actually. 711 00:29:30,767 --> 00:29:32,633 - I was in the hospital, Remember? - yeah. 712 00:29:32,667 --> 00:29:34,600 I was in the hospital That day 713 00:29:34,633 --> 00:29:37,367 And I saw her When she was, like, Five minutes old. 714 00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:39,533 It was not a pretty Sight for me. 715 00:29:39,567 --> 00:29:42,067 It was the first time I ever saw one of those Things, you know. 716 00:29:42,067 --> 00:29:44,600 Um, anyway, What I really want To talk about tonight 717 00:29:44,633 --> 00:29:48,400 Is that There's a guest here 718 00:29:48,433 --> 00:29:51,067 Spreading a vicious, Nasty, scurrilous rumor 719 00:29:51,067 --> 00:29:53,067 - about me and a gerbil. - ( murmuring ) 720 00:29:53,067 --> 00:29:54,833 Okay? I'm sure You've heard it. 721 00:29:54,867 --> 00:29:57,867 And there's not A word of truth To it, okay? 722 00:29:57,900 --> 00:30:00,733 He has a personal vendetta, So don't believe One word of that. 723 00:30:00,767 --> 00:30:04,033 It's not true. However, 724 00:30:04,067 --> 00:30:06,033 In the interest Of full disclosure 725 00:30:06,067 --> 00:30:08,033 I will tell you That, um, 726 00:30:08,067 --> 00:30:09,900 I do have a tickle In my anus. 727 00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:13,633 - ( crowd groaning ) - and they're slightly Related to each other. 728 00:30:13,667 --> 00:30:15,633 Marty: What did he say? 729 00:30:15,667 --> 00:30:18,067 Larry: The point is, it's not true. I just thought it was 730 00:30:18,100 --> 00:30:20,133 - important to say that. - susie: that's fine, larry. 731 00:30:20,167 --> 00:30:22,700 - because it's not right That he would spread... - thank you very much. 732 00:30:22,733 --> 00:30:25,367 - ...That vicious rumor. - larry, thank you Very much. Enough. 733 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:27,633 Larry: What are you looking at, Tessler? 734 00:30:27,667 --> 00:30:29,933 I'll put A fist up your ass. 735 00:30:29,967 --> 00:30:32,500 How about that, Huh? 736 00:30:32,533 --> 00:30:34,500 Well, um, 737 00:30:34,533 --> 00:30:36,800 If anyone else Has a toast, 738 00:30:36,833 --> 00:30:38,867 Something to say... 739 00:30:57,367 --> 00:30:59,433 I'll be right back. 740 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:05,200 - cheryl: hi. - hello. 741 00:31:05,233 --> 00:31:07,067 - how are you doing? - nice to see you. 742 00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:08,900 - remember glenn? - sure. 743 00:31:08,933 --> 00:31:11,167 - sammie looks cute. - yeah. 744 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,400 - very cute. She's all grown up. - yeah, I know. 745 00:31:14,433 --> 00:31:16,433 - oh, your underwear-- - yes. 746 00:31:16,467 --> 00:31:19,167 - --got 'em on. - my underwear? You're in the no-fly zone? 747 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,300 - I'm going Right over the fence. - you're over the fence? 748 00:31:21,333 --> 00:31:22,933 - over the fence. - did you miss the gate? 749 00:31:22,967 --> 00:31:24,867 - not at all. - don't even think About the gate? 750 00:31:24,900 --> 00:31:27,433 - don't even think about it. - that's wonderful. Thank you. 751 00:31:27,467 --> 00:31:31,067 - you look good. - oh, thank you, Thank you. 752 00:31:31,067 --> 00:31:33,500 ( slow music playing ) 753 00:31:33,533 --> 00:31:36,600 John legend: Good evening, Ladies and gentlemen. 754 00:31:36,633 --> 00:31:39,567 This one Goes out to sammie. 755 00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:41,100 Would you like To dance? 756 00:31:41,133 --> 00:31:43,333 Um, yes. I mean, If you don't mind. 757 00:31:43,367 --> 00:31:45,400 - no, please. - would you excuse us? 758 00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:49,367 ( singing ) 759 00:32:30,333 --> 00:32:32,200 Would you care to dance? 760 00:32:32,233 --> 00:32:34,267 Thank you. 761 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,833 - wake up, wake up! - ( all chattering ) 762 00:33:26,867 --> 00:33:28,667 - get the ball, daryl! - ( whistle blows ) 763 00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,433 Referee: Slide tackle, Number 2, black. 764 00:33:30,467 --> 00:33:31,967 - what, you're gonna Cite that? - of course. 765 00:33:32,067 --> 00:33:33,467 What, are you crazy? Are you out of your mind? 766 00:33:33,500 --> 00:33:34,733 ( whistles ) Get out of here. 767 00:33:34,767 --> 00:33:36,633 Come on. 768 00:33:38,267 --> 00:33:40,467 - stop playing. Stop playing. - ( all yelling ) 769 00:33:40,500 --> 00:33:42,700 - would y'all calm down? - hey, give me that. 770 00:33:42,733 --> 00:33:44,500 - keysha: no. - don't make me Come back there. 771 00:33:44,533 --> 00:33:46,200 It's mine. It's mine. 772 00:33:46,233 --> 00:33:48,433 ( family yelling ) 773 00:33:54,633 --> 00:33:57,733 Oh, fuck you, larry. Bullshit, motherfucker. 774 00:33:57,767 --> 00:33:59,867 - I didn't know. - you are such a bald Asshole! 775 00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:02,900 - I can't begin to tell you. - who the fuck do you think You're talking to? 776 00:34:02,933 --> 00:34:04,400 Don't nobody talk To my man like that. 777 00:34:04,433 --> 00:34:06,433 You'd better Get your ass Out of my house, 778 00:34:06,467 --> 00:34:09,067 - you fucking bitch. - goodbye. 779 00:34:09,067 --> 00:34:10,533 Get your smile on. Get your smile on. 780 00:34:10,567 --> 00:34:12,067 Get your smile on, Come on. 781 00:34:12,067 --> 00:34:14,067 Am I smiling? Here we go. 782 00:34:14,067 --> 00:34:15,567 ( laughs ) 783 00:34:20,100 --> 00:34:22,333 ( theme music playing )